After photographing 100+ of these major family events, here’s what I’ve learned—and what you need to know.
Maybe the invitation arrived in your mailbox. Maybe it showed up in your kid's backpack. Maybe a friend casually mentioned, "We'd love for you to come to our child's bar or bat mitzvah," and you smiled and said, "Absolutely!"
And then, perhaps a few minutes later, you thought:
Wait. What exactly happens at a bar mitzvah? What do I wear? Am I supposed to know Hebrew? Is there going to be a party? Do I bring a gift? Am I going to accidentally do something wildly inappropriate?
First: take a breath.
If this is your first b'nai mitzvah, you are not expected to arrive knowing everything. In fact, the rabbi and cantor are accustomed to hosting guests attending for the first time. Programs typically explain what is happening and how guests can participate, and the best thing you can do if you have a question is simply ask.
As a photographer who’s been documenting b'nai mitzvah celebrations since 2009—well over 100 of them at this point—I've learned that the experience can feel unfamiliar at first, but on the whole, the Jewish community is incredibly welcoming.
But, it’s always good to be prepared. So here's your unofficial guide to being a first-time b'nai mitzvah guest.
First things first: What is a bar mitzvah or bat mitzvah?
A b’nai mitzvah is a Jewish coming-of-age ceremony and celebration.
You may have heard the terms “bar mitzvah” or “bat mitzvah.” Traditionally, bar mitzvah refers to a boy coming of age and bat mitzvah to a girl. B'nai mitzvah is a gender-inclusive term that can refer to the ceremony or celebration more generally.
This ceremony marks an important transition in a young Jewish person's life. After spending years preparing—with a tutor, rabbi, cantor, and/or religious school community—the child takes on greater responsibility within their faith and community.
From my perspective as a photographer, there's something pretty incredible about knowing how much preparation is happening behind the scenes. These young people are typically preparing for two to three years in advance. So when you see that kid standing at the front of the synagogue, know that you're watching the culmination of a lot of work! It’s an honor to be asked to attend.
What does a typical b'nai mitzvah weekend look like?
Every family and congregation does things a little differently, but here's what you can generally expect.
Friday night: Shabbat
Many b’nai mitzvah weekends begin with a Shabbat service on Friday evening at the synagogue. Shabbat is the Jewish Sabbath, which begins Friday evening and continues through Saturday. The Friday evening service is often shorter and more casual than Saturday morning, with plenty of singing and participation. The child may have a role—perhaps helping with music, chanting a prayer, or participating in another way.
But here's something I've noticed after photographing so many of these: Friday night isn't necessarily about the b'nai mitzvah child. It's about welcoming Shabbat and beginning the weekend together as a community. Think of it as the opening act, or a way of framing the b’nai mitzvah within the wider life of this particular worship community.
Saturday morning: The big ceremony
Saturday morning is where the child’s ceremony really takes center stage.
The service generally begins with prayers, songs and chants before transitioning into the Torah service. This is the part the child has been preparing for a long time.
One of the most meaningful things I get to photograph is the passing of the Torah through generations of the family or, l'dor v'dor. Grandparents, great-grandparents, and parents may participate before the Torah is ultimately passed to the child being celebrated.
Then the child may carry the Torah through the congregation before returning it to the front of the sanctuary.
If you're sitting there thinking, Okay...what am I supposed to do right now? Probably nothing. And I mean that in the best possible way. Your job is to watch, listen, and be respectful. You don't need to know Hebrew. You won't suddenly be asked to lead the service. And you don't have to figure out every cue by yourself.
The rabbi and cantor will guide the congregation through the service, and you’re simply there as a witness. If you're there as a guest and aren't sure what to do, look around and watch the family.
The congregation will often move together—standing, sitting, responding, and participating at various points. You can simply follow along.
During the Torah service, family members and the b'nai mitzvah child may participate in readings and chanting from the Torah. The child will also typically give a speech based on the particular Torah portion being read that week.
This is one of my favorite parts to photograph because it's where the child's personality really starts to come through. The speech often connects the Torah portion to the child's own life—school, friends, sports, family, challenges, and what matters to them.
Some speeches are serious. Some are funny. Some kids are obviously nervous. Some are incredibly polished. They're all meaningful. And as a guest, this is a great time to put the phone away, settle in, and really listen.
The Kiddush luncheon
After the Torah service, everyone typically heads to the synagogue's gathering space for a Kiddush luncheon. The food varies, but you may find bagels, salads, egg salad, tuna salad, and other traditionally Jewish foods.
And then there are the desserts. So. Many. Desserts.
Families often invite friends, neighbors, and beloved members of their congregation to contribute baked goods. It's a wonderful communal tradition—and, as a Midwesterner, I have to admit it feels a little like the most elaborate church potluck you've ever attended.
Tables full of cookies, bars, cakes, and other treats are not unusual. And there's something really lovely about knowing that those desserts came from people who are part of this family's community.
The afternoon break
After the morning service and luncheon, there is often a break. Go home. Rest. Change clothes. Because you’ve got a party to go to later!
The b'nai mitzvah party
The evening celebration can look wildly different from family to family. I've photographed everything from intimate gatherings to celebrations with hundreds of guests.
There might be a theme based on:
Sports
Music
Travel
Dance
A favorite color
A hobby or interest
Pretty much anything the b'nai mitzvah loves can become a party theme! And this is where you really get to see the child’s personality celebrated.
Some parties are casual. Some are elaborate. Some are genuinely fancy. Read the invitation. If it says jerseys and jeans, wear jerseys and jeans. If it says party attire, this is your opportunity to dress up. If you're not sure what a dress code means, ask. The family would much rather receive a quick text than have you spend three weeks wondering whether your outfit is appropriate.
What should I wear to a bar mitzvah or bat mitzvah?
For the synagogue service, think respectful, modest, and somewhat dressy.
A nice dress, skirt, slacks, chinos, polo, or button-down shirt are all generally safe choices. Exact expectations may vary by congregation, so follow any guidance provided by the family.
And here's my biggest photographer's tip: dress for the whole day.
If you're going to be at the synagogue for hours, wear something you can comfortably sit, stand, and move around in. Then check the invitation for the evening party's dress code. You may have a chance to change into something more casual—or considerably fancier.
Do I need to cover my head?
This varies depending on the synagogue and its traditions.
Some congregations may provide kippot (also called yarmulkes), which are small head coverings traditionally worn by many Jewish men and sometimes by others, depending on the congregation.
Some synagogues may also have tallitot (prayer shawls) available, particularly in more traditional settings.
If something is expected of guests, you'll generally receive guidance. And if you're unsure, just ask. I've learned that asking a respectful question is almost always better than making an assumption.
What am I supposed to do during the service?
This is probably the number-one question I hear from people who haven't been to a b'nai mitzvah before.
Here's the answer: Follow along and observe.
When you arrive, you'll typically receive a program. Read it. It may tell you when to stand and sit, explain what's happening during different portions of the service, and sometimes include a note from the family about what to expect. The rabbi and cantor will also guide everyone through the service.
If you don't recognize something or understand quite what’s happening, that's okay. You're not expected to! Just like at a wedding, anniversary party, or other major life event, you’re simply there as a witness to this important milestone.
One quick thing: don’t worry about clapping. Depending on the congregation, the program may specifically ask guests not to clap during certain portions of the service.
There may be other ways the congregation responds or celebrates instead; always be looking to the rabbi and cantor at the front for guidance. This is another reason to read that program! Save your enthusiastic congratulations for afterward.
What should I say to someone celebrating a b’nai mitzvah?
The easiest answer: Mazel tov! (Pronounced MAHZ-ul tahv) Mazel tov is a traditional Jewish expression of congratulations, and it is absolutely appropriate to say to the b'nai mitzvah and their family.
You can also say:
"Congratulations!"
"We're so proud of you."
"You did a wonderful job."
"What a beautiful celebration."
You don't need to know Hebrew to express genuine happiness for someone. And you definitely don't need to try to suddenly become an expert in Jewish traditions.
Just be yourself.
A few words you'll probably hear at a b’nai mitzvah
Here's your very unofficial b'nai mitzvah vocabulary lesson:
B'nai mitzvah A gender-inclusive term for the Jewish coming-of-age ceremony and/or the young person celebrating it.
Bar mitzvah Traditionally, a boy who has reached the age of Jewish religious responsibility and/or the ceremony marking that milestone.
Bat mitzvah Traditionally, a girl who has reached the age of Jewish religious responsibility and/or the ceremony marking that milestone.
Shabbat The Jewish Sabbath, beginning Friday evening and continuing through Saturday.
Torah The central sacred text of Judaism, traditionally referring to the first five books of the Hebrew Bible. During the service, you'll see the Torah in its physical form as a handwritten scroll.
Kippah / Yarmulke A small head covering worn by many Jewish people, but especially men, depending on the congregation's traditions.
Tallit A Jewish prayer shawl.
Kiddush A blessing that sanctifies Shabbat. This term is also commonly used for the communal gathering or luncheon following a service.
Bimah The raised platform where the Torah is read and much of the service takes place. Like a podium or pulpti.
Mazel tov! Congratulations!
What should I bring to a bar mitzvah or bat mitzvah?
A gift is customary, although exactly what to give varies. Gift cards and money are common choices, particularly for a young person.
You may also hear about the significance of the number 18. In Hebrew, chai means "life," and its letters correspond to the numerical value 18. Because of that association, monetary gifts are sometimes given in multiples of 18. So you might see amounts like $18, $36, $72, or $180.
There isn't one universally required gift amount, and the depth of your relationship with the family might be a good indicator of what’s appropriate.
What if I’m not Jewish?
This is the part I really want to emphasize: You don't need to be Jewish to be a wonderful b'nai mitzvah guest. I know this firsthand.
I'm not Jewish, and I've spent years photographing these celebrations. I've learned by watching, asking questions, listening to families, and simply being present.
And that's really what I'd recommend to you, too. Be curious. Be respectful. Pay attention. Participate when you're invited to participate. And enjoy being included.
You don't need to know every prayer. You don't need to know Hebrew. You don't need to understand every tradition before you walk through the door. You're there because someone you care about has invited you to celebrate a really important moment in their life. That's enough.
One of my biggest tips: Ask questions
Jewish communities are wonderfully diverse, and traditions can vary significantly from one synagogue to another. The experience I've described here is based primarily on the Reform Jewish congregations where I've worked, so your experience may look a little different.
If you're wondering whether you should wear something specific, bring something, participate in something, or avoid something, ask the family. Send a text. Ask a friend. Read the invite and the program at the event itself.
The families I've worked with would much rather answer a question ahead of time than have a guest feel uncomfortable or uncertain. And honestly? That's how I've learned, too. I've asked a lot of questions over the years.
A photographer's perspective: just be present
There's one more thing I've learned after photographing more than 100 b'nai mitzvahs. The moments I love most aren't always the big, formal ones:
It’s the grandmother looking at her grandchild as the Torah is passed down through the family.
It’s the parent trying not to cry during the speech.
It’s the kid who finally relaxes after the ceremony is over.
It’s the friends who have been waiting all morning to celebrate together.
It’s the dance floor at the party.
It’s the ridiculous dessert table.
It’s the hug that happens when nobody is paying attention.
Those are often the most cherished b’nai mitzvah photographs, and it’s what you're there for, too.
You don't have to understand every word of a b’nai mitzvah celebration to recognize a proud parent. You don't have to know every tradition to appreciate a family passing something meaningful from one generation to the next. You don't have to be Jewish to celebrate a kid who's worked incredibly hard and reached an important milestone.
Just show up. Be curious. Be respectful. And celebrate.
I'll worry about the rest.
Thinking about family photos–at a b’nai mitzvah or otherwise? I’d love to hear from you and talk through what you have in mind! Post a comment or send me an email!