Motherhood // Personal
From 2018 to 2020, what a wild ride. Life has these ebbs and flows that feel sometimes like you’re getting smacked in the face by a giant wave or dancing inside a rainbow. It’s intense.
But as we are reminded that joy comes in the morning, our days can also hold sadness and dark moments.
October 1 2018 we lost our first baby to miscarriage. October 12 - November 28 2018 our family walked my Grandma Lucy home to Jesus. A month later, we found out River was on his way just after Christmas.
We had no idea who was going to be born 9 months later, we chose to leave every detail about you a surprise. The moment your Dada said “it’s a boy” in the delivery room remains one of the best surprises of my life. We had no idea who you would look like or act like ... I don’t recall ever hearing the word PANDEMIC and I certainly didn’t foresee having to wear a mask every time I stepped outside our home.
I always dreamed that someday I’d be a Mama but I never could have imagined it being so many opposite things all at the same time. Exhausting sleepless nights, invigorating hearing this child learn to laugh & giggle. Constant Mama & River daytime pandemic times, missing you the second we say goodnight.
Parenthood is a constant wishing your child would reach the next milestone, wanting that little one to never grow past the current stage. Seeing the world brand new through your eyes while living in such a time as 2020 has been — the absolute gift that we always dreamed of that arrived at the most perfect time.
I worried about postpartum depression but had no idea what a ride it would be and still is today. I spent much of 2020 trying to learn who this sweet boy was. And consequently, learned who I wanted to be. As a mama, as a wife and as a person.
I thought we would celebrate milestones with family & friends, there would be endless hugs and treats from bakeries on Lake Street. But now? Our city has been boarded up, on fire and our family is realizing what it looks like to be mixed race in 2020. I didn’t know what the future held and today it feels even more uncertain.
But one thing is for sure: we have each other. I will fight for our family with every ounce of strength I have. I will fight for those whose voices have been silenced and I promise to do better.
I want to be someone who is inclusive and inviting - that shows up to be the same person on the outside as I am on the inside.
I want to be someone who’s first inclination is toward understanding, peace and love. Who aims to hear others as loud as I hear myself.
I want to show our son a world that will love you no matter who you turn out to be. I want that to start in our home and spread into our community and into our world.
All the things I tell this sweet boy every day - that he is loved, strong, curious, brave, funny, heard and joyful? I want to tell those things to myself every day.
I don’t quite know what this space will turn out to be or what kind of ‘content’ you’ll see but one thing has and always will be true: it will be intentional, authentic, inclusive and hopefully point you towards what is just and right.
Hugs to our dear friend, Bernadette Fox, for the maternity photograph used in this blog. You are the best! <3
Gardening // Personal
I wouldn't say I have a green thumb based on a summer plus some of community garden plot ownership. But every time I'm there, sitting my behind in the dirt to pull weeds, to pick tomatoes and cultivate seeds and dirt into things we eat and enjoy, I feel like I could maybe, someday, in retirement with long grey hair in a braid, become one of those plant ladies.
We had a giant circular tulip bed in the house I grew up in. It would bloom every spring and I would go outside with my Mom, bare feet and biker shorts, with a basket and scissors to cut blooms for the vases inside. There were all the colors; white, pink, yellow, red. I don't even remember how often we did this routine when I was around 4-6 years old, but I have such a vivid memory of it.
The next summer, we moved from that house. I don't remember a lot of gardening after that. Until I was a preteen and we planted tulip bulbs wrong side up in the garage side garden bed. It would be about two years before anything even burst up from the dirt.
I was always more of an indoor kid, anyway. I preferred crafts in the air conditioning to nature and sweating. I preferred books to daydreaming, staring at the clouds. I preferred shoes to barefoot in the grass. I hated being dirty. But I do remember the first time stepping on my grandparents' freshly laid sod and loving the feeling. Like soft, satin ribbons of grass in between my toes.
Farmers markets became the hipster thing when I was in college but I always gravitated towards things I knew. Like strawberries or coffee. Ha! It was later that I ate peppers, green beans, pea pods, artisan lettuce, cucumbers and tomatoes for the first time and I LOVED EVERY SINGLE BITE.
My body started to crave fresh produce, so much so that my tiny fridge in my first apartment was jam-packed with freshness rather than preservatives. It was amazing. I was cooking brussels sprouts, edamame and mixing everything with hot sauce - for breakfast! What a novel idea!
Spring 2017 came and we were engaged, planning our wedding. Friends asked if we wanted to go in on a community garden plot. I quickly scanned my memory bank and realized how much I wanted to actually love gardening, even though I'd never really truly invested in it. We said yes and gave it almost everything we had.
Nature is funny, in that you can plant a couple seed packets and water it diligently (sometimes letting nature itself water it!), only to return to your plot a day or two later and it's like a miracle right before your eyes. TOMATOES GROW FROM FLOWERS, GUYS. I didn't know this until I was 31.
I never ate anything that came from the actual ground that I planted with my own two hands until last summer. That lettuce stayed fresh in our fridge for longer than any store-bought lettuce ever did. And it was pure magic.
Picking tomatoes and making fresh panzanella salad? I DIED AND WENT STRAIGHT TO GARDEN HEAVEN.
This spring came and we decided to try our hand at this gardening thing again. Just my new husband and I - we could totally conquer this! We planted a tad later than we hoped, Minneapolis saw SO MUCH RAIN, then SO MUCH HUMIDITY and meanwhile, I'm saying my prayers every night, asking God to take care of our plants like a crazy plant lady (already winning! No grey hairs yet!).
I walked up to our plot one day and it was like someone dropped a bomb called CRAB GRASS on our beloved spot of 21st century pioneering refuge. And it just kept growing and multiplying, like the jerk weed crab grass is. If I ever met crab grass in a dark alley, let's just say ...
Schedules became busier and we had a few stretches of 90+ degree days where AC and a cold beer sounded better than getting out there to weed. Until one morning this week, when we both had had it UP TO HERE! My sweet husband, who never raises his voice or gets angry, yelled at the garden and its crab grass, swearing like a sailor. We came up with a plan to attack (out of crab grass's ear shot, of course).
We attacked. He went first, at dawn, to show it who was boss. I came later, to see that sweet husband, who has been through a thousand lives with me and then some, using the same garden shovel that my great-grandpa had used for decades. He refers to it as the Grandpa Jakie shovel and then I'm in the weeds, crying my eyes out.
It's not a coincidence that we attacked our garden on the day we laid my sweet great-grandfather to rest five years ago.
As I was sitting there, well, more like laying between tomato plants to get ALL THE WEEDS OUT, this thought came to me:
Gardening is a metaphor for marriage and relationships.
You get an idea, see a plant that you have a crush on (for me? tomatoes) and you decide to put something into making it blossom for yourself to enjoy. You find yourself buying the organic starter plants at the local garden store instead of the big box garden center, convincing yourself it's so worth it. Next thing you know, you're buying the expensive bag of organic, all natural compost-based fertilizer and about $100 later, you're ready. You clear your schedule to get to the garden, dig your hands in the dirt. It doesn't matter if you're even wearing gloves or not - because your plants love you regardless of what you're wearing! They know your heart.
You do your research and find that marigolds on the perimeter of the garden keep pests out. Great news! You'll do whatever it takes to keep this plot of heaven safe from creatures great and small. Safety first, garden!
What's even better? The entire time you're planting these seeds and starters, you can't have your phone out. You're unplugged, enjoying nature and all the magic of what's in store. You find yourself relishing in your hard work and you celebrate with ice cream! Hooray!
But then the work begins. You have to plan your schedule to ensure the garden is watered and cared for. You want to go out of town? You'd better find someone to water this thing! You see a small weed start to sprout and you pull it. Not too hard, this gardening thing.
During few days of rain and heat, you enjoyed the break from the work. You went out with friends, laughed and loved, all was well. The weather returns to normal summer temps and you return to the garden.
WHAT THE HECK. There are weeds sprouting like grass EVERYWHERE. There is not one square inch that is open dirt. What happened?! You were only gone like two days! You're wailing, the world is against you! How could this happen?!
You consider abandoning the plot. Jumping ship. The money you spent is already gone, it's not like anything is really lost or gained. Just chalk it up to experience.
But then you see it. A tomato just about to turn red or yellow. A jalapeño flower has the tiniest pepper growing from it! The lettuce you planted from the smallest seed is pushing up from the dirt. You're crying, you're so happy! Nature is happening right before your eyes!
This is worth it!
You put on your gloves and with a huge sigh, start pulling those weeds. Some are pretty deep, so you use a shovel to get it out at the roots. Because it you just pull out what you see, it's going to keep growing, festering and coming back. It's going to suck the nutrients from that tiny jalapeño, the almost-red and ready tomato! SHAME ON YOU, WEEDS.
What a sense of accomplishment to go from something you thought about abandoning to something clean, fresh and fruitful.
On our wedding day, my husband and I promised many things to each other. One is to not let issues or anger or hurt fester. To put on our big adult pants and tell the other person how we feel, because we've seen what happens when you do the opposite. It has always been worth it to be honest, to allow ourselves to be vulnerable in front of the other partner and put that shovel in the ground to pull a pesky weed out at the root.
Hugs are the water after you pull out the weeds, hoping that with a little sunshine-filled smile, things will continue to grow and blossom.
Even when you feel the garden has abandoned you and weeds take over, it's worth it to invest the time into cleaning it up. It's an unpaid gig, unless you're a landscaper by trade. Sweat equity is a real thing and you'll probably feel drops of salt water headed straight into your eyeballs. After wiping it away, you encourage and spur each other on because you realize you simply cannot go it alone. I mean, you could, but it's far better, faster and more precious to take on the journey side by side.
“I am beginning to learn that it is the sweet, simple things of life which are the real ones after all. ”
I whole-heartedly believe that the good work of tending to our marriage is one of those real, sweet things of life.
Hugs to our wedding photographer & dear friend, Bernadette Fox, for the images used in this blog. You are the best! <3
What Comes Next // Personal
An image by Weddings by Bernadette, from our wedding November 2017
I still remember my first time logging into Facebook. Fall 2005, I was a sophomore in college and living in the dorms. Back when Facebook was only for people with a college email address. Everything was different then ... we spent hours on our computers, writing papers, researching, chatting on AOL instant messenger. Social media before it was called social media was for socializing or trying to figure out if that guy in your 10:00 am class had a crush on you or if he was just asking to study together to ace the next test.
Then I started this business and suddenly, people were messaging me on Facebook, asking for family photos. A wedding photographer. I was sharing photos and things started growing. I created my website and started a blog. I started an actual Facebook business page for my photography and it felt real.
Social media started becoming more about business and revenue and money-making instead of connecting. I mean, maybe it's still about connecting. But things started to change a few years ago for me, when social media strategy was a buzz phrase. The spreadsheets and the insights, numbers and graphs became overwhelming.
Then, two summers ago, I wrote this blog post about leaving social media for a little while. It was about 30 days at first. Then turned into about 60. All the while, I was knitting and quilting and doing embroidery and realizing that inside, I'm an 80 year old who wishes she lived in pioneer times with Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. I embraced it!
If I'm honest, I haven't been the same since.
During the 7 months between our engagement and our wedding, I had a few conversations with my husband about quitting social media. They mostly went like this:
Me: I think I'm going to quit social media.
Him: You know I'll support anything and everything you do. I quit Facebook 2 years ago.
Me: (Deactivating my Facebook account)
Him: I don't want to post about our kids on social media at all. How would you feel if you were 25 and found your parents' posts about your dirty diapers, your tantrums, your teenage years, etc?
Me: (Removing Instagram from my phone) I agree. I think I'm done.
I did a few Instagram stories about contemplating the idea and the response was overwhelmingly positive. Almost shockingly so. I contemplated it some more.
A month later, we went on our two week honeymoon adventure out west. I turned off my phone for much of the trip and removed social media and email from it too. The day my husband went out for a bike ride, I walked to the bookstore in town and did what an English major would do: I picked up about 20 books and read the back cover and the first few pages. The 4 books I didn't want to stop reading, I bought. Then I went to the restaurant next door and took a seat on the patio, telling the server, "I'm going to be here for about 4 hours reading. Don't worry about me, but can you bring a carafe of water and the hummus plate?"
The book I was reading? The Unsettlers by Mark Sundeen. Stories about non-conformists, sustainable living, being pioneers in a modern contemporary age. Going back to the land. Living without computers, smart phones, cars, electricity. It was well-written and honestly? I went back to our AirB&B, exclaiming that we should sell our possessions, buy a farm and figure out our lives. My husband was oddly in agreement.
No, we are not doing those things. But, it did shift something in me, causing me to do more googling about minimal living, organic farming, bringing the sewing machine out from the dusty second bedroom and starting to create again.
All of this combined with taking on a full time position with the nonprofit I did contract work for last year. This is the best decision for our family and for me. I came home from our weekly programs last fall to exclaim to my husband (notice a trend?), "You won't believe how magical today was!" and I'd proceed to tell him story after story. After a day or two of this, he reminded me that I hadn't been that kind of excited for a long while.
And I realized he was right.
Let me say this: this business has brought me immense joy, excitement, encouragement, pride and frankly, income, over the past 12 years that I never in my wildest dreams could have imagined. I wasn't a kid who ever really dreamed about what kind of job I'd have when I grew up. I thought maybe I'd be a teacher. All I knew is that I loved books, I loved crafts, I loved being indoors and holding babies. I sort of fell into photography and was grateful enough to have a few mentors & family members who pushed & encouraged me along the way, through school and through these years of business.
The joy I feel holding a client's day old baby during their newborn session is comparable to the joy I feel when I'm elbows-deep in my garden, comparable to the smile that I can't wipe from my face when I'm watching a room of 40 adults and 40 kids meet each other for the first time, knowing they'll work together for the next three months, building a relationship that has the power to change both their lives. It all feels joyous and wonderful and magical.
These feelings are not the ones I have when I peruse social media channels or plan my Instagram posts for the month ahead. It doesn't feel magical to post about feeling magical when you feel everything BUT magical. The rollercoaster of emotions, of self-doubt and constantly feeling the need to check for comments and likes ... the comparison that creeps in feels the opposite of wonderful.
At my therapy appointment last month, I walked in and did not stop talking for a full 30 minutes. I strapped my therapist into my rollercoaster ride and after 30 minutes, she asked me if I was done. Because she had some things to say and one of them was this: you need to stop the chatter. Find calm. Meditate. This ride in your brain needs to slooowwww down. You are approaching burnout if you keep believing you can do everything. You cannot. Choose like 3 things and do those things well. And the comparison game? That stops if you stop it. If you remove the channels that lead to it.
I deactivated my personal Facebook page a few weeks ago. A client who I loved working with for their first child's one year package emailed me last week, announcing they were expecting twins and would I be available to photograph the newborns later this year? My heart skipped a beat! I was overjoyed and crying and doing cartwheels at my desk.
I realized that I would have known this news already, had I been on Facebook. She even mentioned not finding my personal page there. I felt about 5% guilty, then continued to relish the joy of her news.
If I'm honest again? I haven't felt that kind of sheer joy about news in a long while. Of course, seeing positive news on social media is exciting, but it kind of takes the fun out of a surprise. You feel like you're learning about it on the same level as everyone else and it feels less special.
Friends who have revealed their baby news in person is an experience I won't ever forget. Seeing my cousin's new baby in a group text outside of social media was so blissful. Looking through actual printed images in our wedding scrapbook feels so ... vintage.
But it also feels so right and makes me feel calm. I like the feeling of prints. I don't like the feeling I get when I realize I've been scrolling for more than 5 minutes.
If you've made it this far: congrats! Let's meet in person and I'll treat you to ice cream!
The last few years have felt a lot like Keeping Up with the Joneses, the Kardashians and all the things. It has to stop somewhere, sometime, right? And I realize that I'm really the only one who has the power and control to say when.
So, I'm saying it. When? Now.
I am quitting social media for an undetermined amount of time. I don't know the details and I'm not putting a deadline on it. I just know that I will keep my Facebook business page and my Instagram account on-line, but I won't be posting actively.
I do want to continue to write and tell stories of business, life and everything in between here. It feels a bit silly for me to hold an English degree and see a year between posts. Ooops! I want to share photos from sessions I've loved, bar & bat mitzvahs that I'm proud of and stories of my clients-turned-friends. They say that your website should be a place you showcase the work you love the most, and that's what I'd love to spend the next unforeseen amount of time doing.
And if I'm honest? I'm going to be getting my hands dirty in the garden, because you can't hold a smartphone and be in the dirt at the same time. I want to ride bikes with my husband before there is a child strapped to us somehow, to finally face my fear of coasting down a hill without riding the brakes. I have an embarrassing amount of fabric in our house that is aching to be made into something gift-worthy, beautiful and treasured. And the people who stood alongside us on that warm November day when we said our vows? They deserve to see our real faces and hug us in real time, just like we deserve the same.
This decision has not been one I've come to quickly or that I think of lightly. In fact, I've been writing and re-writing this blog post for over a month! Probably because it's not easy to say you're doing something different or choosing a new, unchartered for you, kind of path.
It's what's best for now, but it's maybe not forever? Creating this space in my phone, in my daily routine, in my business and in my life has lent itself to a lot more meditation and contemplation. Real life coffee meetups and beers cheersing to good news and new journeys. Farmers market mornings and game nights with friends.
[Listing those things makes it sound like I was on social media most of the day. And honestly? Now that I haven't been scrolling for a few solid weeks / almost a month, I look back and realize that I really was "online" for most of a 24 hour period. YIKES.]
I share this not out of wanting a high five or praise or attention, but just because I don't feel good about posting daily for months and then crickets. This is a story I want to tell and it's a story that's working for me now. Maybe it doesn't work for you and social media fills you to the brim with positivity, constantly! Or you use it as a business tool and that's it. Either way: you have a choice.
In the early years of my business, I had a bookmarks folder called BLOGS I LOVE. And I'd put in the blogs and websites of photographers, writers and makers I most admired. When I took to poke around and read what was new, it was like meeting an old friend for coffee, chatting and catching up in their warm living room. I loved it! I get such an energy from reading other people's stories and words. Throw in a few images that really resonated and bam! A winning combination.
I'd be surprised, delighted and honored to be found in your bookmarks folder. There are dozens of possible blog posts I could write, filled with images that mean the world to me. I want to show you vintage photos of my family side by side with photos of clients from today, to prove that literally nothing but the tool has changed. I want to talk about the struggles of solo business ownership, tips and tricks that have worked for me and how, only after 10 years of business, I finally feel confident to share my pricing because I realize, deep in my heart of hearts, that what I can offer is worth it.
Ultimately, I want this to be a space for positivity, hope, community, love and growth. And to showcase the idea that I've had written on our chalkboard for months: little by little, good things do grow.
See you soon, friends!
Back in the Saddle Again // Personal
It's already end of March 2018 and this blog has not been updated in what feels like 100 years ... so, to recap:
- My handsome boyfriend proposed and we got engaged! HOORAY!
- We got married in November 2017! HIP HIP HOORAY!
There are so many stories, images and gold nuggets of magic I can't wait to share in the weeks and months to come. But for now, I will say this:
I am no longer going to photograph weddings.
Is that a mic drop? I'm not quite sure, but one thing I do know: I need to make some space, both in my life and in my career. I want to focus on the things I LOVE ENDLESSLY and the things I thrive in. For 2018 and beyond, these are working with my bar & bat mitzvah clients and the families who I have worked with for years and years (and new ones too!)
If I am spread too thin, photographing any and every job that comes my way, my attention is drawn less and less from the clients who have been with me from the start and the ones who continue to choose me as their family photographer. Cultivating those relationships (and the referrals they send my way) matters most to me.
If this bums you out: do not fear! My amazing friend, mentor and photographer of weddings Bernadette Fox is the gal you need to call. (Like right now, what are you waiting for, newly engaged people of the world?!)
Luis and I trusted her and her associate Kim with our day and they BLEW IT OUT OF THE WATER. I cry every time I see one of the images from our engagement and wedding day. I get butterflies when I see how handsome my husband looked that day (and okay, every day because I MARRIED UP). With little to no direction, they did everything I asked and everything I didn't or forgot to ask. We felt cared for and loved abundantly.
In an effort to maintain a balance between business, personal and the myriad of things in between, Luis and I have decided to not share the bulk of our wedding photos with the world. I will share with you the blog that Bernadette wrote and the images she shared there, but the rest? They are our story. It feels personal and vulnerable to share the thousands of images and videos from Bernadette PLUS our families and friends that we have from this day. We appreciate your love, support and understanding <3
Weddings by Bernadette // Bernadette Fox // Sydnee + Luis
Stay tuned as I navigate marriage, business, lifestyle changes and choices, a new job and what comes next! Oh and of course, your quarterly mini session date announcements :)
Dreams // Personal
She hates when I write about her on social media and the blog, but I think for the better part of 10 years, she's known I'm the touchy feely one who needs to write it out. So in advance, M: thank you.
She wore all black, tights with rips and gold bangles that clanged together when she whipped up lattes and played Beyonce when the owners were gone for the day. But her eyes? THE KINDEST EVER.
I was 21 and she was 20 and we were baristas at a Highland Park coffee shop (RIP White Rock!) and I was the new kid, hosting my 22nd birthday gathering just down the street after we closed up shop. Heart beating out of my chest, I asked her if she was doing anything or needed to study and if not, maybe just maybe you'd think it was okay to come to the party?
Those eyes glanced my way, she probably winked or smirked and said, "yeah girl, I'll be there." And that, my friends, was the beginning of a decades-long platonic life partnership between me and Marissa.
For the last 10 years, she's been there.
// When we were two stubborn girls who claimed we needed space or another stupid reason, we spent a few months apart. I ended up at a show she was at (which was pure fate, because I AM NOT a show person and she is) and in her flannel and tights, walked over to me and just hugged me. I hugged back, tighter than ever and that was that. She came back at a time I needed her and turns out, she needed me just as much.
// When I moved into my first apartment, Marissa came over and gave it her seal of approval. She would come over weekly, around 8 pm when I started my nightly OCD preparations: making a lunch for the next day, setting up the coffee pot to brew at approximately 6:35 am, laying my clothes out, setting up my workout for the morning. She claimed it was helping her be a better, more organized person. It made me feel like I was doing something right!
// When we were in our mid-20s and living on shoestrings with impending piles of student loan payments, she would call me up to meet her for coffee. Coffee turned into a walk around the block turned into a 5 mile walk. I never wore the right shoes. She had band-aids for my blisters.
My ever-present photography school subject who I have lovingly taught to "find the light and put your face there." She was photographed so much by the MCTC Photo & Digital Imaging Department that she was banned from the classroom and studios. Oops!
She's the original hustle, the original Mo Money, but most importantly, she's my person.
The recipient of many SOS HELP ME texts over the last 10 years and her constant advice that I've started to heed?
You be You girl. You do you. Love and be loved. 💛
We're only six weeks out from her wedding and less than 6 months from mine. On those 5+ mile walks when we were 23 we'd plan out our lives, filling them with hopes, dreams and by the end of the walk? Somewhat more realistic visions. When I think about that long list of wishes, I am overwhelmed with how many of those items are now checked off.
We hoped we'd meet our soulmates and they'd make us laugh. But also that they'd take out the trash. CHECK.
We hoped we'd be in each other's weddings and be the source of all calm and reason during the process. CHECK.
We planned to buy a duplex and live side by side until we were old ladies wearing mumus, having afternoon tea together and growing gardens. ALMOST CHECK.
Next life goal? DUPLEX.
My Why: I pay another photographer to document my family
Soon after Luis and I started dating (3 months in, to be exact!), I had him join me at a mini session with Sara Montour with the point of my getting images for a new branding announcement that summer. I brought a dozen sprinkle donuts and milk and we had a blast! Luis came in for a few shots (after Sara's gentle prodding) and for as comfortable as I am in front of the camera, he is not. He's a behind the scenes - behind the lens kind of guy and I love him for that! Looking back at those images, I am so grateful that Sara pushed Luis into the limelight for a few seconds, because now, we have these fun, light-hearted handful of images together at the very beginning of our story.
Later that year, I kept seeing all these styled images popping up over Instagram - fellow photographers drinking coffee on their couch at home, playing with their kids in the backyard, holding their cameras all cutesy and enjoying wine on a patio with friends. Basically, they were LOVING LIFE and having it professionally documented. I kept thinking there was some kind of big secret or trick behind this. Surely, these talented photographers had put their cameras on a tripod and mastered the art of the selfie in a big way.
When I met and started a friendship with Duluth photographer Amanda Cane of JaneCane Photography, I quickly realized we were kindred spirits. Mostly because she dumbed a lot of things down for me and smacked me over the head with a few others when it came to business: those photographers? THEY HIRED SOMEONE to take those beautiful photos! Another photographer!
Hold the phone for a second: a professional photographer with talent, education and professional gear PAYS someone else with the same credentials to do the job they can do, simply to document their story in an authentic and candidly real way ... and to self-promote. I felt like such a dummy for never realizing it before! But once I realized it, I was totally in :)
And suddenly, Luis and I were moving in together and I felt ALL THE FEELINGS about this big huge moment in our life together. I called my friend Jen of Jen Meneghin Photography and she came over to our first home together, to document us eating breakfast and riding bikes. I'm grateful for those images, since we ended up moving to a different area and different apartment soon after we did the session with Jen. Plus, we incorporated Luis' love of biking into the session - and since then, his adoration for bikes has grown even more!
Approaching our two year anniversary, Luis and I trekked to Duluth in February, on the coldest day of the winter to do an in-studio session with Amanda. We immediately connected with Amanda over our quiet, loving dudes being paired with loud, big dreamer photographers :) Luis and I left that day, being reminded of how much we love each other and cuddling in front of the camera is something that looks so natural - even though if we were to listen to the soundtrack of our session, it was filled with nervous laughter and Amanda's amazing laugh.
We went back to Duluth last fall to adventure through Chester Creek and an amazing lookout spot with Amanda. Our session went into the evening, when we shared a meal and beers with Amanda and her fiancee Drew. We left that night, turning to each other and saying simultaneously, "those are good people. Those are OUR PEOPLE."
With each session that we do (and Luis endures!), I'm grateful to have our story documented in photos. Of course, we have endless selfies and funny slo-mo videos documenting our big and small moments, but nothing compares to the physical prints and albums we have in our home.
Someday, our kids will grab the red album off the shelf and point and laugh at our goofy 2 year anniversary session or ask Luis where the green bike went from the black album. They'll laugh at the way that I trekked through a waterfall with heeled boots and made french press coffee in the woods (which was really, truly, a parking spot!).
These images, these stories, are the stories that fill our life and they document how our love has grown and changed through the years. Thankfully, gratefully, we have what feels like an endless group of friends who are talented photographers and beautiful souls who we can ask to come to our home, join us for donuts and coffee and a bike ride.
And guess what? I believe those friends should be paid for their work. Because I believe I should be paid for my own work, doing the same for my fabulous clients. Because sure, I could set up a timer and we could be our goofy selves, but I think there's something so rewarding and revealing about seeing your story in the lens of another person. All of these photographers have different styles and different personalities and DIFFERENT EYES.
Being vulnerable in front of another photographer's lens allows me to feel so clearly the process that my own clients go through before their sessions with me. I'm grateful for this vulnerability because it allows me to pinpoint how I can shift my process to give them more details beforehand and more direction in the session. But that excitement I feel when I get that "your photos are ready!" email? I hope my clients feel that same level of giddiness!
Whether they are big or small moments, your story deserves to be documented for you in the right now and for future generations in the times to come.
Affirmations + Goals // Good Vibes Series
This post is the first in series I'm starting called the Good Vibes Series, taking one day a week to let you into the more personal side of this business: Me! I want to share tidbits of how I make it happen as a solo businesswoman, stories of my friends and family who have pushed and supported me and tools that may just help you on your journey. Whether you're a photographer, a student, a parent or my family (hey guys!), I believe that part of having a platform of sharing online comes with the responsibility to put positivity into the world. We can all use good vibes, a strong community of support and an extra dose of gold glitter fun, right?
///
Back in December, I started doing some goal tending work for 2017. Historically, I love New Years Eve - the promise of a new year, a fresh start, the gold (surprise surprise!) and the excitement of a NYE kiss ... all so fun!
I'd make goals every year too. Maybe your goals look something like this?
- Run more
- Eat fewer sweets
- Get more steps in per day
- Build my business
- Learn to love winter
The thing is, these goals weren't specific. They weren't very quantifiable. What exactly is "more" when you're a former marathon runner? Fewer sweets in relation to like 5 donuts a week? How exactly was I going to build my business? When it's -20 for 5 days straight and you're stuck inside, how do you love winter?
I turned to Lara Casey and her Goal Setting series on her blog. Confession: I still have a set of undated PowerSheets from 2013 that will be broken out in the next couple of weeks ... Like I said, great at setting goals, but not so awesome at tending SPECIFIC goals. You can find the series here. It was super helpful to me and I realized a couple of specific goals that I'll lay out in a future blog post, but one thing I found I need to cultivate?
Me.
Wow. When I wrote that in my notebook, it was like a bell starting ringing, the choir started singing the Alleluia chorus and I felt such a sense of freedom. All from writing the phrase:
I matter. I need to spend less time spreading myself to others and more time spread to me.
Next, I wrote that I wanted to do my self-care in small doses every day. To choose activities or reflections that awaken gratitude, light, breath, sweat, smiles, laughter and generally, make my gold-glitter heart beat faster!
I shared this nugget with my good friend Elizabeth and she said she was starting a gratitude journal as part of her self-care regiment for 2017. She challenged me to do the same, since gratitude was #1 on my list of things to awaken. I purchased the Five Minute Journal (here on Amazon!) and I started it on January 4. You do not need to purchase this journal to start feeling more grateful, friends! This is just what works for me!
My morning and evening routine have changed drastically. These dark January mornings, I drink 15 ounces of warm water with lemon and sit in my Great-Gram's rocker (re-covered and fabulous, as seen above!) and I write out the morning portion of the journal.
The first few days I did this, I came to the Affirmations section and I thought, THIS IS TOTAL CRAP. I have no clue what to write! So I started writing this mantra of "I am capable. I am doing good work. I am strong. I can do the work that is hard and grow." I had no clue where the mantra came from; I wrote it down anyway! Then I'd shut the book and go on my day.
This week, I encountered a situation where I encountered a few opportunities that left me thinking: "this person does not realize how amazing they are!" So I told them! "You are strong, brave and capable of doing good work! You can grow from this experience."
When I went home that afternoon, I sat down and had another a-ha moment. That person who didn't realize their potential? Was me like 30 days ago.
#RealTalk: I've always heard my friend Elizabeth telling me I needed to start believing I'm doing well for myself, I'm strong and capable of doing hard work (that mantra!). I kept telling her it was total crap. Until she called me on that! I suddenly realized that my humble nature was turning into a feeling of low self esteem and self worth. Pushing aside other's positive comments toward me in disbelief.
Today? 16 days into the 5 minute journal and I'm so happy to say I'm on the other side of this feeling of inadequacy. It really is true that recognizing gratitude in your life totally turns your thought process on it's head!
When Luis tells me I'm beautiful, I say "thank you! I sure am!" which makes both of us laugh, because it's something I've never told myself before. When a client sends me great feedback, I repeat the mantra to myself: You did a great job! You are so creative! Sometimes, I even read the feedback out loud to myself, three times.
The self-care goal? Still in place.
To revisit, I wrote that I want to make time for those activities or reflections that awaken:
- gratitude (the 5 Minute Journal!),
- light (waking up early enough to see a glimpse of sunrise!),
- breath (reminding myself to breathe in deep during workouts, even at the grocery store!),
- sweat (I'm part of an accountability fitness group working on exercise, diet and lifestyle changes),
- smiles (looking at photos of our friends and family smiling in our apartment makes me smile!),
- laughter (Luis takes care of this, usually!)
and generally, make my gold-glitter heart beat faster!
This is still a work in progress, friends. I'm not perfect. Sometimes, I fall asleep before I write in the evening portion of the journal. Sometimes, I miss the gym or I eat more donuts than I should. But, we're just people. We're just human and for as much patience as we ought to have with each other, we should give just as much to ourselves.
All this to say: You're doing a great job! Keep up the good, hard work! You are strong, brave and capable. Good things grow, little by little and you can make good happen. YAY!
New Year // 2017 Goals
Happy 2017, friends!
Here we are, January 4. If you remember, last January 4 was my first full day as a full-time business owner (if you need a refresher, click here). What a day that was! I felt such promise, opportunity and growth right at my finger tips!
2016 was a true year of growth and growing pains, opportunity and refining my mission as a business owner and so many pinch-me moments. As I moved through the year, I just couldn't help but grin from ear to ear that I was really, truly, living out my dream. But it hasn't been all gold glitter hearts, sunshine and smelling the roses. I've written a little bit about the challenges of owning a business and trust me, there is more to come this year. If I've learned anything about my almost 10 years in business, I've heard that it's so HELPFUL to hear about the experiences of others so you can learn and grow in your own journey. One of my goals this year is to write more about those experiences so ya'll can hopefully grow too.
Last summer was a dream summer. I had a few bumps in the road, but I worked hard on actually taking a bit of a break. I did my morning coffee walks with Luis and felt my heart just soar in our relationship. We spent time camping and outdoors and I felt so filled to the brim with possibility. And rest. True rest. For someone who never does this and has historically actually disliked nature and sweating in summertime, this was amazing! Luis and I traveled to Washington DC and spent our first vacation together really growing as people and as a couple - plus, with a tour guide like Mary and a chef like Tim, how could you go wrong?! I'd love to share more about this trip soon.
Once the plane wheels hit the tarmack at MSP, I hit the ground running.
> First ever SBP summer mini sessions? CHECK.
> 9 bar and bat mitzvahs from August to December 2016. CHECK.
> 5 days of fall mini sessions and 30 families? CHECK.
> 2 trips to the MN State Fair and an eventful camping weekend? CHECK.
> Married off my sweet cousin Megan to Kyle and discovered a love for embroidery with my Gram? CHECK.
> 5 newborn babies, a couple weddings, a few engagement parties and finding a new studio? CHECK.
The holidays came and we celebrated with grateful hearts and here I am, exhausted. The end of December came and I had on my calendar time set aside to rest, regroup, work on goals for 2017. Start working on personal quilting and embroidery projects, reconnecting with friends and continuing kicking butt at this new-to-me 21 Day Fix Beachbody program. "Resting" but still checking everything off my to-do list.
Instead? I kept working. I kept my email open and on and the cookies baking and the coffee flowing.
But this week? I'm readjusting. I'm regrouping. I'm working on getting out of my own way to start seeing where growth has and is happening that I didn't even see because I was too busy.
I've read Emily Ley's Grace Not Perfection and Lara Casey's Make It Happen since Thanksgiving after previously starting the books and pushing them aside, thinking, "This is totally not for me. This is too emotional and of course they can take breaks from work to rest! They're making oodles of money! They have employees! This ship is a solo one for me!" But guess what, friends? There is so much truth in those pages.
In the last year, I told myself if I wasn't busy and checking off my list, I wasn't being a good enough business owner. I told myself that I had to keep working, keep busy and hustle. Good things happen to those who hustle, right?!
But a funny thing happened: when I took Mondays and Fridays off this summer, I felt rested. I felt solid in my relationships because I had time to devote to them. I enjoyed the sunshine and I had new ideas running through my brain like wildfire. I unplugged.
But once we returned from our vacation, I plugged back in and I stayed that way. I forgot to rest. I forgot to take days off for Luis and I to spend time together. My time with my parents became business-oriented, not family-oriented.
Years ago, sitting across the table eating ice cream together, my sweet friend Erin told me: It's okay to say no to good things. Four years later and it took a few burst-into-tear sessions for Luis to finally get through to me with this same idea.
I needed to make some hard choices in how I spent my time in order for our family and my business to grow. I had to say no to a few people and organizations I volunteer with. I had to say no to spending two days a week with three amazing kids as their nanny. I had to re-color code my calendar to tell myself that I'll take a lunch break and a workout break and a walking break every day. I have to choose myself (#selfcare!), our relationship, my business and our families and friends before I choose busy. I need to say YES to the things that fill and fuel me. (I'm still working on this list - I'll keep you updated when it's finished!)
.All this to say: I'm still a work in progress! I have a hard time saying no to work, to events and to sessions that will bring in more money. But I'm choosing to not work 1 Saturday a month so that I can really unplug and connect back into my relationships. I'm choosing to not work or meet clients or do sessions or events on Sundays.
2016 was a year filled with joy. At every turn, I almost fell to my knees in gratitude. I have been abundantly blessed by those I've crossed paths with this year. Onward and upward into 2017 :)
Thankful // Personal
During a time of year when it's common to look back at the year behind us, I've spent so many hours on the computer, editing away, sending images of families to my mini session clients and bar / bat mitzvah clients. And I've been grinning from ear to ear.
In the last two weeks, I have watched a handful of friends and family experience some pretty scary health issues. I've been praying, sending positive vibes virtually and attempting with all my might to push all negative thoughts aside. I've had a cold that has bubbled itself up from months of busy-ness and I haven't exercised in I don't know how long. Thanksgiving came and went and I cooked my first turkey dinner with Luis' mom by my side. It was blissful. But the next day, we received news of more friends with health concerns.
In all the crazy of the world today, there is one thing I can count on: With my camera in hand, I can walk into a synagogue, a party filled with lights and music, my light-filled studio, a family's home or favorite spot and I FEEL LIKE I'M HOME.
I chat it up with the grandparents and I feel like I'm hugging my own, who live in 2 different states and feel so far away during the holidays.
I play on the floor with the toddlers and snuggle the babies and I feel 100% myself. I crack jokes about bodily functions with kids and teenagers and I feel like the most popular kid in school.
I adjust the Tallis and marvel at the big family groups on the Bima steps and I see generations of legacy and tradition before my eyes.
I walk into these situations and I know exactly what to do. I know which lens and manual settings to use because I've been doing this for nine years and it feels like riding a bike. I just keep clicking. I chase the light and a few weeks later, I hand-deliver images I hope you'll treasure forever.
This past year of full-time #bosslady status has taught me so much, more than I could put down in words here. Now more than ever, I've realized that working with all of you FUELS me in a way no workout or run ever could. When I count my blessings, I count all of you. Twice.
When life feels heavy and weighted with every reason to get my anxiety brewing again, I'm endlessly grateful for all of you.
For the Cuban Shuffles, the Dabs and the Horas I've captured this year and swayed along to, I'm grateful.
For the baby smiles and coos and even the spit-ups, I'm grateful.
For all the tickle fights, the fart jokes and the times I opened a "THESE ARE AMAZING!" email, I'm grateful.
As the sun moves from sunset to sunrise and we all wake up tomorrow to December 1 - to the start to the holiday month of parties, cookies, lights, trees, menorahs, songs and carols - I want to say thank you.
Thank you times infinity. 💛
Jacqua & Lolo // Personal
July 2015: I shot my first session on an island on the St. Croix River, the maternity session with Jacqua & Chris, big sister Beau and baby Lolo, who arrived fast and furious 12 days later. We were just in time!! This session was a first for me in a lot of ways; not only the location and the fact we took a boat there (!!) but that it was one of the first times I looked at everything and made the decision that I would not only make great images for this family but I would make art.
I started out in photography making art in the very classic of terms. Each time I picked up my camera, I was conscious of all the female photographers who came before me and I decided that I would keep them all at the forefront of my mind. To make decisions on placement and lighting and subjects and objects with the idea that I'd be fully engaged 100% of the time.
Over time, things become more second nature. I make conscious decisions, of course. But those photographers I studied in college became more of a distant memory.
When I stepped foot on that island, I looked at this scene and immediately saw a vision. One of motherhood, of vulnerability, of childhood, of wonder and magic. It was a dream.
I literally pinched myself with how blessed I was to be there as a witness to this moment between mother and daughter and future daughter and the culmination of 9 months of hard work - I mean, I've never done it, but I'm positive that growing a human is extremely challenging, especially when you're chasing an almost 2 year old ;)
And that's when I decided to make the journey back to where I started: making, creating and witnessing pure magic.
July 2016: Lolo is a year old exactly and we're back on this magical island, where the water level is lower than the year before and more trees have fallen. Big sister Beau is more adventurous and talkative and speaks her mind. She's swimming in the river while Lolo has her one year portraits.
Jacqua is a gracious and gorgeous mama, who loves her girls so fiercely and teaches them in big and small moments daily. Watching her from wife to mama to one to mama to two has shown me that really, we can all have it all, in whatever ways we want it. Her girls get their joy from her love and boy, I cannot wait to see how they grow. And Chris - honestly, hardest working guy ever. We captured some fabulous shots of him and Lolo during this session that remind me that the love being dads and daughters is unmatched.
Lolo is as adventurous as her sister, but also her determination and resilient nature is just as strong. This sweet girl was in a brace and later, a cast, to help her hips grow in the right way, which prohibited her movement until now. She may just be crawling now but this girl loves finding her way in the world. Picking up sand, sticks and grass, laughing and giggling. I am constantly stopped in my tracks with how wonderful and joyful she is.
I could go on and on for hours with how much I adore this family and this First Year package, but I'll sum it up with this: This shot and the journey between the two is one of infinite reasons why I love my job.
Why I choose to make and create every day.
Why I want to start looking at this business in new and fresh ways.
Why I feel grateful to meet amazing families who choose me to witness their magic and capture the moments that will tell the story of their life.
Social Media & Summer 2016 // Personal
Remember back to that day in January when I announced I was finally, after 9 years, completely full-time with this business? I have thought back to that day numerous times in the last 30 days and wondered what I would have told myself if I would have known what the last 8 months would be like.
Can we be 100% honest for a minute?
1 - I would have told myself to buckle up.
2 - I would have reminded myself to make time every day to get outside and breathe fresh air without my cell phone.
3 - I would have recommended a daily schedule that's regimented and yet balanced, because I thrive on regularity and consistency.
4 - I would have reminded myself to go to a workout class every day at lunch and make sure that's not the only time that day I see or talk to someone because at heart, I'm an extrovert!
5 - I would have told myself to keep trusting. To keep having faith. To just keep moving forward. Onward & Upward!
The last 8 months have been nothing and more than I ever expected all at the same time. I think back to the days when I was juggling this business, 2 part-time (okay, actually full-time) jobs, relationships, sometimes marathon training, sometimes schooling, giving talks and presentations to up and coming photographers, and I wonder how in the world I kept my head above water. Emotions were sky-high during those days, probably from all the endorphins of constantly needing to be in motion!
But when you take away everything from that list above and replace it with a full-time business with an employee list of ONE and suddenly, you've morphed into the boss, the social media expert, the photographer, the editor, the business meeting taker and the HR rep all at once, it's more overwhelming than I ever expected.
When you move from being constantly surrounded by people and motion to putting yourself at home in an office with no one to communicate with except your circle online and the construction crew outside, it's more overwhelming than I expected. My daily step count went from over 10,000 a day to maybe 2,000 - because the steps from my chair to the coffee pot and back is maybe a grand total of 25. Oops!
It was surprising to finally see fully and completely that my busy season for the bar & bat mitzvah market is the entire year minus July and half of August. I kept my nose to the computer for January through June and when July came, I looked outside and thought, "goodness! It's summer! Time to relax, take a break, rejuvenate ..." And I have done that. YAY for me!
But what's most challenging about this almost constant yearlong busy-ness is that when I'm not busy (summer), everyone else in my circle is. Vacations, weddings, photography business is booming ... and social media is the way everyone shares their busy-ness.
I realized quickly that I needed a real break after I returned home from a week with my grandparents, during which, I actually took a break from social media and email and my phone. I felt so disconnected and so connected all at the same time. I was investing in real face to face time with two people who mean so much to me and it felt so honest and so real life. I started knitting and doing embroidery and would sit on the sofa with my Gram for hours working on something that I could visually see growing and taking shape and moving forward.
When I came home, I felt more changed than I had expected to feel. I felt renewed and ready to make a fresh start. I knew I wanted the rest of the year to look differently than the first half. I felt ready to share more thoughts and stories and images than ever before.
But that week, three significant events happened in our city, our state and our country that caused me to continue pressing pause on sharing. I felt like all those words I was ready to share weren't adequate enough. I felt like I was boasting my success when others were in the trenches of mourning. When it felt like a collective crying over loss of life, loss of freedoms and loss in our community. It felt dark. How was I going to share something light hearted and an image filled with smiles when hearts were breaking?
I stopped sharing and I haven't shared for the last month. A full 30 days since I posted the image above on Instagram with a huge question mark of when I'd be back. I even removed social media from my phone for the majority of that month.
Here I am, back in the saddle again. I took another break, because #summervacation. Luis and I visited friends on the East Coast and I can't wait to share those stories with you. I shot only film for 1 week and it was downright glorious. It felt so good to be back where I first started - the mystery and magic of film is something I never want to take for granted.
Life looks different now than it did in January. I've started a new daily routine that's more balanced and rigid, but turns out, I need a schedule. If I don't have someone telling me where to be and when, I'll probably watch the Olympics 24/7 for the next month. I started listening to a podcast or two in the mornings, I'm still knitting dishcloths like 3 generations before me and I started running again (after an injury - more on that soon).
I realized that progress over perfection is really the way to live the next year, 5 years, 10 years in business and in life. I have my structured work times and deadlines, but every night, I close the computer and the office door at 6 pm. I make dinner and turn my phone off at 9 pm. I knit a few rows and chat with Luis about his day. I take a morning walk with my coffee and spend the first hour of my day without technology or screens.
And for now? This works. It gives me energy. I think about my social media posts and what I want to say that day on my morning run because I don't run with music anymore. PS. Have you guys heard the birds on these summer mornings?! I'm starting my running "career" over again - just over a mile at a time and slowly building it. I got back on the bike and Luis has officially turned me into a biker, padded shorts and all.
I don't have a real social media marketing plan. Yet. But I will, because I joined a social media class online with a community of people all across the world when I realized what I was doing wasn't working. I want to continue to inspire and be inspired. I want to motivate you not just to hire me to take your photo but in how you live your day to day.
Because if I've learned one thing in the last 30 days / 30 years, it's that we're really all in this together. It's not one over the other, but when we look at each other as equals and as partners in learning how to live life to the fullest, it feels like the journey is filled with more hope and more light.
And aren't things like hope, light and community what we're all searching for anyway? :)
Resting in 2016 // Personal
Two weeks ago, I boarded a three-times-delayed airplane to see my cutie grandparents in Phoenix, after a whirlwind weekend of photographing two bar mitzvahs. If I'm honest, it's been a whirlwind two years of bar mitzvahs, bat mitzvahs, family sessions, what feels like a hundred mini sessions and lots and lots of GO GO GO since the last time I really rested.
This break in the action was spawned by a need to REST. If you remember, at the beginning of February, I wrote a blog about taking Sundays as a Sabbath rest day. A day to disconnect, to rest, to reconnect with family and friends and to just be.
If you ask my boyfriend, you'll hear that I did this for maybe one Sunday. The others? I kept up that pattern of GO GO GO. I didn't turn my phone off. I spent the day thinking about work and turning on the computer and dreaming about it - but! I didn't actually turn on the computer or sit at my desk or do any editing! (That gets me some points back, right?!)
What did I do?
> I celebrated a really full and fun Valentine's Day with that cute boyfriend - I mean, seeing an omnitheater movie about hurricanes, volcanoes and tornadoes is super romantic, right?
> I met with my tax accountant and do some strategic planning / wishing / hoping / dreaming.
> I brunched at The Copper Hen FINALLY with my friend Clare (you remember her!) upon her return to the US from a work trip abroad. I ate way too much and drank a mimosa and it was pure heaven.
> I dropped off 3 packages with January bar and bat mitzvah clients and again was reminded that I TOTALLY LOVE THIS JOB. Sitting at the computer isn't the most fun thing ever, but the personal, face-to-face package drop off makes every minute worth it. Hearing your oohs and aahs and remembering the moments alongside you? ALL THE HEART EYES.
> I spent hours at the two communities Luis and I choose to worship at and we connected with some of our favorite people on the earth. I don't talk much about this part of my life on this blog, but these are places where I can go just as I am, a mess or not, and I always leave feeling full and refreshed.
After all of this (plus lots of computer time and photographing of course), I went to Phoenix to find some rest. It was colder than I had hoped, but the three days I spent being loved on by two of my favorite people on the planet made every second worth it. We ate, drove to Sedona and shopped, saw the sights and really relished our time together. They asked me about my clients, about how I do what I do, Gramps shared business tips from his time owning a business, Gram baked me cookies to take on the airplane. We dreamed about the future for our family, for my own family someday and talked about our shared history and the legacy of my great grandparents.
I left feeling the same way I always feel leaving Gram and Gramps' - sad to go, already looking forward to our next time together and full from all the moments we shared.
On the airplane home, I replayed the trip in my mind and thought: I can't wait to retire when I'm .... years old and really rest and live up that lifestyle! I caught myself and instead rephrased it to be: I will take rest now when I need it. Life is happening before my very eyes and it's my job to capture it for my clients but more importantly, for myself. For my future kids and grandkids and also to remember times like this with my grandparents so I can pass on their wisdom to those that will come in the future. I thought about the stories we shared about my great grandparents, about my grandparents spending their growing up years in a small town, about how now, I watch them as they care for each other in a new place that although it's far from home, it still feels like home because they're together.
I thought about how time was different when my grandparents met, fell in love and started building their life together. There weren't cell phones to stay connected, watching Netflix together wasn't an activity and for part of their story, they wrote war-time love letters to each other. Gram cooked (and still does!) Betty Crocker recipes and Gramps spilled on his shirt at dinner, to which Gram threw her napkin at him (and still does!). They both worked hard to provide for their family, they went to church on Sundays and spent any time they could seeing the world together. But mostly, they spent time with family, telling stories and creating new memories.
Maybe I didn't spend every Sunday as a true Sabbath rest, completely disconnected, but I also think I'm not wired that way. I want a balanced life that is okay with spending an hour or two laughing and relaxing with Luis while he builds bike wheels in our living room. One that is okay with knowing that if I work on a weekend, I can take my weekend OFF during the week. Maybe taking my parents' dog on a long walk through a newly discovered park in the sunshine is just enough rest after a morning of photo sessions. Or meeting Luis for a beer after a long day of shooting and making plans for camping trips and biking adventures the next few months.
And after this time of reconnecting and making memories on a Sunday (or Wednesday or Thursday), I'll get to work come Monday morning, coffee in hand and answering emails.
I'm looking forward to a life that includes really hard work building this dream come true and also, the next chance I'll make happen to rest :) Because in the end, in that time of "retirement," I want to look back on a life filled with balance and understanding and most of all? Memories and stories.
Clare // Headshots
It was winter 2014 and little did I know that one sushi date would turn into a whirlwind friendship with someone who knew a guy (the one I was going to start dating soon) way back in high school. Our story is a little bit confusing and kind of whacky but there's so much fun and such a serious dose of lightheartedness in it, that when I think of Clare, I just smile.
Let me back up a bit and say that I didn't have a ton of friends growing up and into high school and even in college. I was busy making waves and I sort of thought of myself as a "one friend at a time" kind of girl, because being surrounded by a lot of girls and women at one time was sort of overwhelming. Something about too many emotions and I was already dealing with enough of my own. I struggled with having one or two friends from one circle or job or school and having a few others at another place in my life - when I thought of my friends as a collective group, it was always such a mixture of old and new, tried and true and honestly, a lot of people that I didn't think would ever be found in one room at the same time.
Then last summer, a year or more into our friendship, Clare reminded me of a simple fact that every adult human should know: you have a tribe surrounding you at all times. Maybe your tribe is made up of friends you just met and friends you've known for decades. Couples, single people, people with kids and people who never had kids. Former teachers and former students, kids under ten and adults over 60. But regardless of what they look like or their statistics on paper, one piece binds them all together and to you: they are part of your story. You could call them at any point, any time and they would help. They'll be there celebrating you every step of the way and no, they aren't related to you by flesh and bone, but they hold such crucial parts of your story that you couldn't bear to think of any big moment of your life without them being there.
Clare is one of the members of my tribe. She's hilariously funny, immensely sweet and so talented at so many things that I've made it my life goal to be her agent someday. I don't think people who work with CRM or do needlepoint need agents but I've known for a long while that this lady is going places and I'm going to be there to see just how far she goes.
My clients-turned-friends may know Clare as the gal who helps facilitate my fall and winter mini sessions and although we've been doing that for just two seasons, I couldn't imagine doing it without her. She makes sure ya'll are comfortable, have a donut or seven before you go and she loves hearing the story behind how I met you, your kids' names and ages and any hilarious tidbits about how past sessions have gone or what to expect when you walk in the door.
I don't shoot a lot of headshots, simply because my style is more simple and natural than most professional people want out of a headshot. But Clare just wanted something that said CLARE and so she asked me to take hers. I did and within ten minutes, we had the shot.
And then we skipped, arm in arm, to get coffee and donuts. (This is not a joke)
If you'd like a simple and natural headshot like Clare's, I'd love to chat! And no pressure about the skipping and coffee and donuts - but just say the word and I'll deliver. XOXO
Mark & Allie // Lifestyle
When I first met Allie eons ago working one of my first bar / bat mitzvahs, I felt a sort of nervousness that only comes from hoping the other person would want to be friends - which feels so silly when you're a grown adult! But nonetheless, nerves faded away quickly when we both realized we had found kindred spirits in each other, especially in this business that can sometimes feel so big and you feel so small.
So flash forward a few years and over happy hour, Allie shares she's met this guy Mark ... flash forward more time and I get a FB message from Mark asking if I'm available on a very specific date and time last summer. Turns out, I was about to photograph my first proposal / engagement! WAHOO! It was an amazing, breath-taking experience and one I wouldn't change for the world. Two of the most kind-hearted, loving people starting their life together ... and I was so blessed to capture that moment for them! Remembering that moment still brings tears to my eyes!
Flash forward again and Allie + Mark book a lovebird session on the last Sunday in January - I was so nervous! I wanted to give them images to really cement this time of planning and preparation for them before their big day. When we started walking outside the studio, I felt nervous! How in the world am I going to capture these two within the hugeness of their love?! I kept thinking I could try all these things I've never tried, only seen other friends in the industry do ... but then I sort of metaphorically slapped myself in the face and reminded myself to KEEP IT SIMPLE! These are two friends, for pete's sake <3 I could totally be myself and direct them in an easy way, so we could let their love really shine.
When I was editing and reviewing the images later, my face was aching from all the smiles! It's amazing thing to see a friend so dear be loved so completely by her soul mate. I can't wait to celebrate their wedding later this year!
Within minutes after parting, Mark sent me a message and Allie wrote a fabulous note once I shared the finished products a few weeks back. It's moments like this that make me feel like a million bucks!
“Sydnee — thank you so much for today! I’m sure the relationship you have with Allie and I makes it feel even easier to interact with “Sydnee the Photographer”, but you do an amazing job of making the subjects feel calm and like they’re the stars of the photos. You are amazing and I can’t wait to see the photos!
Allie shared one... Sydnee Bickett Photography shared one... so I guess i can share one of my favorites. Sydnee was one of my first calls when I decided to propose because I knew she was the perfect person to capture the moment on film. She did a great job with this photo shoot as well! If you need a photographer for anything... start with her.”
“Absolutely loving our lovebirds session images from Sydnee Bickett Photography! Sydnee Bickett is not only a wonderful close friend of ours, but is an incredible photographer. If you are ever in need of photography, please check her out! Mitzvahs, weddings, engagement photos, family portraits, newborn sessions— you name it! Thank you, Sydnee, for your friendship and for sharing your art with us! XO”
Rest Pt 1 2016 // Personal
It feels strange and backwards to be posting a photo circa 2012, from Sedona, Arizona, on a cold, windy and snowy Monday in Minneapolis, but I promise, this will all make sense soon!
For the better part of 2 years (who am I kidding, since high school), I've been working full force almost every day of the week. If it wasn't homework, it was a part time job or two or five. If it wasn't working in an office, I was photographing and editing and spending hours behind the computer. If I wasn't nannying, I was running what felt like a million miles a week. Always go go go, until I'd get knocked on my backside by the stomach flu or an illness or a cold that was trying desperately to get me to SLOOOOWWWW DOWN.
So I would. For the duration of said sickness and once I felt even 75% back to "normal," it was back to work I went.
Until fall 2014 when I encountered a health situation that had me on a rollercoaster for the better part of a year. I didn't know what was happening, I'd tell my family and friends. And they would remind me to SLOW DOWN. Take time to figure out the issue and solve it.
So I did. And I realized that when I rested, when I unplugged (or tried my hardest to), I felt better. I slept better. I exercised stronger. I was more present and felt like I was seeing life for the very first time before my eyes.
But then life picks up again - the phone keeps ringing and the emails keep coming in and I'm grateful more and more every day.
When I decided to take this business full-time FOR REAL in 2016, I told myself I'd finally conquer that rest thing. I would do something about it!
After a January that felt like it went by in a flash, I decided to take every Sunday in February away from my phone, email and computer to take in time with family and friends, in community and also a little in solitude (which I'm the absolute worst at!). I wanted to start reclaiming my LIFE and putting more of that into my every day life.
Yesterday, for the first time in forever, I turned off my phone. And you know what? No one even called me! A friend texted and I didn't get it but the world didn't end! It was a miracle! I spent the day with Luis, putting up images and words and reminders around our apartment to stay positive, live in the moment, love each other deeply ... and we watched the entire Super Bowl. A fact that I don't care much about but I can't remember the last time I actually watched something in it's entirety without falling asleep 20 minutes in or getting bored and getting up to DO SOMETHING.
It was amazing. I feel rested and relaxed and ready for a great week ahead!
And sure, there were times I reached for my phone to google something or text a friend, but when I realized I didn't have it, a sense of freedom rushed in. I didn't have to be in touch with anyone other than the person right in front of me, who deserves to have that attention and quality time.
I'm hopeful that this pattern continues and I can keep up with the resting plans I've got for the rest of the month - and I'd love to hear how you take your own rest days & Sabbath Sundays!
I attended a workshop last week focused on branding and business for creatives. It was one of those things I looked forward to for a while, had high hopes for and went in with my head held high. This world of glitter hearts and love and shiny amazing things that I found myself in two years ago has been such a blessing, but it's a place that I've suddenly found not fitting quite right. Like those awesome pants you buy on sale that fit perfectly except for the length or the size of the pockets. Those small details that make you question the whole.
You see, I just turned 29. Well, I guess I've been 29 for just 30 days now and holy cats, does it feel uncomfortable. 29 is so close to 30 and no, it's not that 30 scares me. I'm actually hoping to welcome 30 with arms wide open. It's that this number represents a sort of passage, a kind of growth. Personally, professionally, in all the ways that matter most.
At this workshop, and actually, in most of my daily life, I find pride and accomplishment in being the age I am and what I would deem a success. This business sort of happened upon me seven+ years ago and I can easily say I found myself in creating these images that make people so so happy. I went from being that awkward kid in high school to being this business woman who's slowly / quickly sometimes making a name for herself in this industry.
When I made the decision only a short two years ago that bar + bat mitzvahs are the events I want to photograph for the rest of my life, it was like someone turned on the light in my heart. Documenting these events is like looking into one of those fortune-teller globes; these kids hold so much promise. I could be in the midst of future presidents, doctors, lawyers, teachers who are going to impact other kids forever. Their future is unknown and SO SO bright. And for as much as I hope the world for them, I also realize who I was always meant to be when I'm in the midst of them, dancing and eating cupcakes and wearing glowsticks on their heads. Feeling the beat of the music and laughing and making memories with their friends.
On Tuesday, I thought I had it all together.
At day's end on Tuesday? Total mess. [Slight disclaimer: my mess came in the form of a call home to Mom, reassurance and a slight kick in the pants. See also: Ben & Jerry's pint of strawberry cheesecake]
After the ice cream was gone, I realized something quite remarkable: I had already known I needed to make a change. But that tug in my gold-glitter heart became an unavoidable pull. For as much as I'm growing more every day into who I'm meant to be, these kids are too. The word is spreading and the events get bigger and bigger. I photographed 5 past clients for their senior portraits this year. These kids are growing up! (Insert sobbing / proud me here)
It's time for this cute gold glitter heart-filled world to grow up a bit and change into something a bit more sophisticated, a bit more classic but still 110% me.
I want to assure you I'm not going anywhere. I'll still be blogging, still be working (oh goodness, the number of families I'll meet this month is AMAZING!) and come early 2015, I'll be a little bit older and a little bit more me :) I say this always and I never want to not say it: your trust and faith in me to continue doing this work pushes me to do even better every time. When your business is YOU, there are decisions you can make that are both personal and professional. This brand refresh is both of those intertwined. And for the record? I know you're all going to love it even more than you love this look + feel.
As always, you all rock my world. The amount of people I connected with yesterday at a bar + bat mitzvah event fair was astounding - I wanted to hug all of you! I hugged a few, passed out more chocolates and am crossing fingers they call to book me into 2016. The families who have booked for this fall's mini session dates? You make my heart sing. This business feels like a team effort much of the time - I'm putting myself and my work out into the world; you're receiving it with open arms and spreading the love.
Thank you. I'm forever indebted and in love with each and every one of you.
xoxo,
Sydnee
Back in November, I traveled to San Francisco / Oakland for a few family sessions and before the "work" portion of the trip began, I decided to take a few days to vacation. A word I still am unsure the meaning of! This was after a non-stop summer, a couple of personal triumphs and a few more personal lows, so it couldn't have come at a more perfect time. I'd only traveled alone one other time - to the Maine Media Workshops in 2009 - which proved to be a life-changing series of moments. I was ready for a bit of magic! Special thanks to Jonny Edwin and Olivia for their fantastic recommendations and to Rachel for reconnecting over beer near Washington Square.
I spent the days running, bus traveling, walking, sleeping and keeping my eyes and ears open for adventure. I ate pizza, I drank wine, I went to cheese shops and bookstores. I had my tintype taken HERE, which I just read closed up shop earlier this year - so grateful I had the experience when they were still open!
The best part? I encountered the BatKid experience on my last morning run; proof that dreams come true and good people help make them happen!
Everything was new, everything was perfect. With the slight exception of the worst cough/cold on the history of the planet, but I didn't let that stop me.
I took my camera with me only once, on a 5 hour bus tour of the city that should have lasted only 2. I had a lot of time to spend looking, seeing and dreaming. I captured the majority of these images on that bus tour, exploring lines, composition, angles and colors, all from a bus seat. Unfortunately, I didn't picnic in front of the Painted Ladies like I had hoped, but there's always next time! And who knows, maybe then I'll run into Uncle Jesse and little Michelle from Full House. Dreams really do come true!
Looking through these images, I'm so grateful for the few days I had here and am counting the months until I can return. There is so much more to see and explore, but for now, these images are enough San Fran magic for me :)
xoxo,
Sydnee
Remember June 2014 in Minneapolis? It rained EVERY SINGLE DAY. I'm talking torrential downpours, floods, the whole 9 yards. I know a lot of you are still overcoming your feelings about all the standing water in town, so I'll move on :)
On June 7, the Liz Logelin Foundation hosted it's annual Run, Walk, Hope 5K + 10K race. In one of a thousand downpours. It was a fabulously wet adventure had by all and the most memorable race so far!
A cause that I sort of stumbled upon back in 2011, the LLF provides grants to widows and widowers with young families and offers resources and support for those grieving loss. I've been so blessed to be able to document past races for the LLF HERE and HERE. Over the last three years, Matt, Lindsay and so many involved in this organization have become friends. I'm grateful for their friendship, support of my business and the belief they have in the importance of helping people. Plain and simple? They're awesome.
If you want to learn more, go to the website and buy a ticket for the gala this fall on September 20th. It will be at the Target Field Metropolitan Club for the 2nd year in a row - I can't wait to see my photos on the JumboTron again!
I adore this photo of Maddy and Matt - so classic! Maddy donned in her running gear of t-shirt, shorts and shoes. Matt was clearly unprepared, raincoat, wool pants and winter boots. But Maddy? That girl can run. She's honestly my hero.
xoxo,
Sydnee
Happy Tuesday, friends!
Guess who this bright, shining face is?! MY SUMMER INTERN ANA! YAY!
I was so excited to receive her note earlier this spring about interning with me for the summer - my head instantly was filled with ideas for projects, fun lunch dates and ice cream breaks galore! An interesting tidbit: Ana was my 2nd ever Bat Mitzvah client way back in 2010. I've stayed in touch with her fabulous family and she's just the sweetest!
We've had a few work sessions so far, with plenty more to come. I can't wait to share more with Ana about photography, how I got started, how to run a business ... the list goes on! I'm so excited to see where this experience takes Ana. If anything, I know where I can find my next headshot :)
Cheers to many more ice cream + donut tasting times - and getting that to-do list checked off! The best part? She took all these amazing photos below - a natural, I'd say!
A note from Ana: Hi, I'm Ana, Sydnee's new intern! Next year, I will be a senior at Breck, but for now, I am having an awesome time getting to work with Sydnee, learning how to run a business, as well as working on my own photography too. I have always loved exploring new and different places with my backpack, typically with camera in tow, along with the notion that photography allows one to share and experience again a period of time, even after it has passed. Looking at the work of adventure photographers, especially those from National Geographic, as well as the photoraphers that are closer to home, like Sydnee, I have been inspired to improve my own photography, so I could evoke the same emotion and memories that I feel when looking at these photographers' images.
Huge thanks to Sydnee for letting me tag along with her, and for teaching me so much...and being such a fun person to be spending time with!
xoxo,
Sydnee (+ Ana too!)
Posting a photo of a dry, WARM desert is probably the meanest thing I could do when we're in the midst of yet another #polarvortex here in Minneapolis. I'm even upset at myself for doing this!
This amazing desert photo was taken by the ever-fabulous Maria Bartrum in May 2012, a mere days before I quit my full-time job and made the leap to a full-time freelancing career. I was unsure. Everything was unknown. It was scary. I was SCARED. I kept looking outside of myself for the assurance I was doing the right thing.
When I left Nevada, Maria told me to follow my heart, that it would never lead me astray.
For the last two years of gold-glitter magic, I've worked hard every day to do just that. And Maria was right. Everyone who told me to speak from the heart, follow my heart, trust my heart, was right.
Things keep growing. They keep moving. Clients keep calling and we keep becoming fast friends. I keep partying with 13 year olds on the weekends during the biggest event of their lives and I keep going back for more. I keep running (literally) and I keep facing fears. I keep dreaming big big dreams and they keep coming true. Teaching 400 kids in a year with a nonprofit "job" I love? No problem!
Because that girl who didn't look in the camera in 2012, who wasn't sure where she was headed, is so very grateful to be standing here now. Because I know where I'm going and guys, it's gonna be so great. Probably filled with a lot of confetti and sparkly things! I can't wait!
It took far longer than two years for me to realize that everything I ever wanted to know about growing a business, moving forward in a career, building a life out of everything I love would reveal itself in due time. That people would come in and out of my life to teach me lessons to carry in my toolbox forever. That this idea of trusting the process that I've held onto for almost ten years is 10000% the best idea ever.
When the Minneapolis branch of Creative Mornings asked me to speak at their January meeting, I started writing this speech. A SPEECH. As in, "I've called you all here today..." BORING. About two minutes before I stepped up to the mic, a friend looked at me, put his hand on his chest and said, "Just speak from here, you'll know exactly what to say."
What I need to know is in my heart, in my gut. Now being removed from THE LEAP, I wish I could tell that girl in the desert to believe in herself. To stare right down the lens of that camera and never take no for an answer. To love every single second of what life throws at her. To laugh and tell your story with such passion that you inspire strangers. If you would have told the girl in the desert photo that someday, you could search for her name on YOUTUBE and a video of her speaking from the heart would appear, she would have laughed.
Now? I'm just reveling in the fact that my Grandma tells everyone I'm a celebrity. And that's just fine with me :)
xoxo,
Sydnee
ps. Thanks to my new awesome friends Ryan Gates and Dale Carlson for making me look cool. No really, you guys rock!